Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela DruckermanMy rating: 4 of 5 stars
I've had this book since last Friday and couldn't bring myself to pick it up for over a week. I'm not sure why exactly I was eyeing the book on my nightstand but not actually picking it up. After I started reading it I immediately regretted waiting. I already waited for months on the library wait list (#68) proving I'm not the last person to read this book and it's already months past when this book was a relevant topic of discussion in the mom circles. Once I started reading I couldn't stop. I want to be Pamela Druckerman's American friend navigating the streets of Paris with her and figuring out how to make Noah a better little human (ie: for him to understand No, Stop, we don't throw food, and you do not run away from Mommy).
I remember this book being a hot button topic around the mom circuit but honestly I cannot remember what the outrage was. Was it outrage? I don't remember it being positive. After reading the book, I have nothing negative to say. I didn't feel that Druckerman was saying French moms do it better than American moms. I see her pointing out differences and why those differences are positive. She seems honest in her own parenting steps and missteps and comfort zones. For me a lot of it makes complete sense, common sense.
Maybe it's a personality thing; perhaps I'm Parisian at heart. I chose not to breastfeed my child, months before I had him; and I didn't though I did puree lots and lots of mostly organic fruits and vegetables. A nurse in the hospital told me after Noah was born that the first thing a baby has to learn to do away from it's mother is sleep. I took this information to heart and while Noah was not a great sleeper, he eventually did learn to sleep 12 hours in his crib at 7 months old. I left Noah to go on a day ski trip when he was 5 months old because I desperately needed a day off, some me time. And I took post baby exercise classes starting when Noah was 6 weeks old. Maybe I'm just the epidural loving type of girl that this book is written for.
The Introduction of the book is titled, "French Children Don't Throw Food." This is wonderful news for me because one of my biggest gripes is that Noah throws his food at almost every meal in my house (but almost never in restaurants). I'm not sure if she actually gave instructions on how to accomplish this but something to the effect of saying, "I don't agree with that." I tried it at dinner tonight after Noah took a tiny piece of broccoli in each hand and threw them in opposite directions. I think the Husband thinks I lost my mind. But guess what only two pieces of broccoli ended up on the floor. Similar verbiage is used for a hitting infraction. Instead of, "Don't hit Johnny," Parisians say, "You don't have the right to hit Johnny." We'll have to see if that one works.
As a SAHM who enjoys playing with her kid on the playground there were things that I couldn't get completely behind but I didn't find fault in them. I just saw it as another perspective. Though I do enjoy playing with Noah there are plenty of times I'd rather chat with a friend while the kids played calmly together instead of jumping in to settle sharing disputes, chasing Noah through Bean Traders as he makes one of his at least 3 escapes during our hour there, or ensuring that he doesn't kill himself as he calmly walks off a 4ft high playground structure into thin air at 15 months old. I admire the French are able to do this and would love a balance of play and mommy time.
My favorite chapter in the book is titled, "The Perfect Mother Doesn't Exist." As a mom, I feel like I defend myself or my child on our choices or why it works for us. Then I often regret doing so. I'm happy with our family choices so I should just move on. This chapter talks a bit about the guilt of American moms and how the French see it a bit differently by saying no mother is perfect we are all doing what we can. Druckerman is quick to point out that child care and school is state subsidized and free, which eliminates a lot of stressors. All the kids get the same information at the same time. From 1-3 years old they go to the cretche to learn socialization pretty much exclusively; no academics. This sounds great to me because I'm not putting Noah into preschool this year; we are waiting until he's at least 3 maybe 4. After the cretche the kids go to preschool where they learn to follow directions; kids don't learn to read until 6. This feels so much more relaxed and less pressured and FUN.
I had a hard time with the snacking. If you've met my child you will know his favorite thing to say is, "Hungry, hungry, hungry." In France kids eat 4 times a day and their snack is around 4pm. Based on the baby book I read, I also kept Noah on a schedule of feeding after waking up, not feeding to go to sleep and moving it towards actual meal times as quickly as I could. But he has a snack every morning around 10-10:30am and again at 3 or 3:30pm; maybe even more than one snack. I need a snack too! I'm hungry. I also think it would be hard to implement no snacking in the morning in Noah's world. Everyone else is snacking, he wants one too. Though I do try delay tactics, wait until storytime is over, or after the bubbles. Sometimes he forgets, most of the time he doesn't. I do say No sometimes, but not like the French mommas. We do eat healthy and I do expect Noah to eat what we are eating. No matter if he likes it or not, he usually throws it- UGGG! I do keep meals short; I had read 20 minutes in my American parenting books, Druckerman advises 30 (same difference).
I need to work more on my convictions and scary big eyes. This seems to be the key to children understanding you mean business, no means no, and all that good stuff in France. I think the other key is that French kids are given a lot of opportunity to explore and become "aware" without the helicoptering that when No is told with conviction they know it means No. We don't have that in this house. I mean it works sometimes, but I have a runner and I haven't stopped the running yet. And I admit that I'm an overbearing parent spouting a lot of "don't touch," "careful," "gentle," "we do it this way." Instead of policing actions, the French feel like they are teaching; make it a game, ask questions. Letting go to gain control; again this makes some common sense. Apparently there is also a mom mantra (other than none of us are perfect): It's me who decides. And I should decide! I'm the grownup. Druckerman feels powerful just saying it to herself. Gotta put this one to use too!
Another big point of the book is that while French women love their children just as much as American moms do, they have their own lives too. Children are not the center of attention all the time; everything they do is not simply the most amazing thing you've ever seen. They go back to work, they have babysitters and go on dates (though this word does not exist in french), they are people who have lives independent of their children. I can see how this makes for a more balanced world and happier parents. I do have a babysitter I use regularly but I struggle with this balance too. Noah's only just about 2; isn't everything he's doing just so special? No, I guess it's not but it's a hard mentality to break.
As with any parenting book I read, there are things to take away from it and other things to forget I've read. There are lots of personal stories from Druckerman's own family and friends to make it seem less parenting book and more a fun tale of a woman in a foreign city trying to figure out the lay of the mom land. And while I am the helicoptering mom at the playground starting and stopping conversations as I run after my child who's trying to escape through the gate he knows how to open, I don't want to be that mom. I didn't have to read this book to know that there is another way and I didn't feel my parenting 'style' was attacked or threatened by the book.
